Call it the “lesbian loneliness epidemic,” call it the “epidemic of mutual pining,” call it whatever you want, but one thing many, many, many lesbians and sapphics complain about is how real the struggle can be to meet someone. It’s not without good reason: According to the experts, it’s just as common a problem as it feels.
“There are a few reasons for this...[the first being] that many queer women aren’t as obvious to spot, leading them to fly under the radar as hetero, since many sapphic women ‘look straight,’”Sophie Roos, a licensed sexologist and writer for the Swedish sex-positive magazinePassionerad, tells PRIDE. “This leads to difficulties spotting potential partners, which also makes ‘making the first move’ much scarier, because you put yourself out there and go for it many times — before even knowing if they’re into women!”
Angelika Koch, a relationship expert at theTaimi LGBTQ+ dating app agrees. “Generally speaking, meeting a lesbian woman outside of the bar scene can be difficult because there are normally not blatant signs that show what gender they’re interested in, unless they’re masc leaning. Even then, depending on the culture and region, it might not be an accurate identifier.”
Plus, Koch continues, “Women are naturally friendly and flirtatious, and certain things that women say, like, ‘You’re beautiful,’ can be interpreted as a platonic compliment even when it is a genuine flirtation. It’s difficult to identify intention when this type of flirtation is a commonality even among straight women.”
So yes, if you feel like someone has dialed up the difficulty meter on sapphic dating, you’re right. But here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to be that way. There are things you can do to better recognize queer women and sapphics — and, even more importantly, pick up on the cues they are into you.
To help with that PRIDE chatted with sapphic dating experts to get their best advice on how to spot a potential partner in the wild, how to know if they are interested, and *gasp* how to make the first move.
A lesbian loneliness epidemic? Not on our watch!
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We know, easier said than done, but it’s also the way to break out of what Chelsea Newton, a licensed clinical social worker, sexuality educator, and the founder of Phases of the Mind Therapy calls the trap of “mutual pining.” Both parties “are interested but too nervous to initiate. This hesitation often comes from fear of misreading signals and socialization that discourages assertiveness in women,” she tells PRIDE.
But how exactly do you calm your nerves and put yourself out there? “The first step to changing this is reframing what vulnerability is,” says Newton. “Making the first move isn’t about being aggressive, it’s about being open. Anxiety about rejection often covers up a deeper fear of being seen. Remind yourself: if you’re interested, there’s a good chance they are too. And even if not, expressing interest respectfully is rarely not welcome.”
This may seem like the most basic advice, but sometimes the most obvious isn’t the easiest. Koch says the best way to put yourself in a position where you can make a move is to strike up a conversation. Not sure what to say? “Find something casual to talk about based on your environment,” suggests Koch. ”If you see her at a park, mention something about the park, the weather, or the season. If she’s at the grocery store, you can find something common to look at and then ask a question about the product. Finding an ice breaker can also be directed to her physical appearance like who her hairdresser is or where she got an article of her clothing from.”
Then Koch says to gauge their response. “See if she engages with the same amount of enthusiasm that you do. You want to look for signs like matching energy, mirroring body language, and small signs that show a desire to be closer to you. You can tell someone wants to be closer to you by looking for things like her leaning in, small physical touches to your hand or arm when speaking and moving her body in your general direction.”
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Speaking of body language, Koch says there are key behaviors and unconscious responses that can offer hints about another’s level of interest, no matter how innocuous and casual the conversation. “Blushing cheeks, trouble making eye contact, fidgeting with clothing, and glances towards your lips while you talk are signs of nervousness, which could indicate attraction,” she explains. “ You can also listen to if their pitch changes when they speak to you vs when they speak to others, which is a sign of interest.”
As previously mentioned, part of the problem with meeting sapphics is that there’s no guaranteed way to know if they are queer, so your best way forward is to subtly hint that you are, says Roos. She suggests bringing up something you like or dislike about the queer community, telling about a cool gay club you’ve been to, or dropping a funny joke about something relevant to being sapphic!” she suggests. “That way, you let them know that you’re sapphic, and open up for them to build on that if they also are queer, and if they’re interested! Or at least, you can confirm whether or not they’re into women, and, if yes, from there open up more about how you feel for them.”
This all sounds great, but how do you actually put this advice into practice? Newton gave us her best tactics for how to approach women in various common scenarios.
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“In bars or restaurants, nonverbal cues matter,” says Newton. “Make eye contact, smile, then approach with something like: ‘Hi, I noticed you and wanted to say hello.’” she suggests. The key here is to be direct: “Many appreciate clarity over guessing games. ‘Can I buy you a drink?’ or ‘Are you here with friends or flying solo?’ can get a conversation started.”
This situation is a bit trickier, says Newton, because for one thing there are safety concerns, but it’s still totally doable. “If it’s appropriate, a compliment like ‘I just wanted to say I love your style’ can open doors.” This is where watching for body language cues will be particularly important. “If they respond warmly, you might follow up with, ‘Would you want to grab a coffee sometime?” adds Newton.
Social events are a prime opportunity for making a move, says Newton. “The context gives you an easy opener. ‘What brought you here tonight?’ Once you’ve chatted for a bit and feel a vibe, you could say, “I’d love to talk more sometime. Can I get your number?’
Let’s be honest, most of us are already on the apps — and that’s a whole other struggle, but Newton offers some advice on how to make the most of them. “Being specific stands out. Instead of ‘Hey,’ comment on something in their profile: ‘You love horror films? What’s the last great one you saw?’” If the vibe is there, be straightforward, says Newton. “A direct message like ‘I’ve really enjoyed chatting—want to get a drink sometime?’ is clear.
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Listen, not everyone is going to feel brave enough to chat someone up on the subway or passing on the street, in part because of the uncertainty about their sexuality. That’s fair, and something you can address by picking places where queer women and sapphics congregate. “Great places to meet sapphics include queer community events, book clubs, volunteer organizations, sports leagues, or lesbian-specific apps. Environments where people are already open to connection tend to ease the anxiety,” says Newton.
Congrats, you struck up a conversation and the vibes are vibin’. Now what? The next step is actually the easiest. “Stay present,” says Newton. Take a breath, enjoy the moment, and let the chemistry develop. “Don’t rush into romance, be curious. Ask open-ended questions, share a little about yourself, and let chemistry unfold naturally,” she says.
While these suggestions are helpful, no dating advice has a 100 percent success rate, unfortunately. This means dealing with rejection in a healthy way is just as important as knowing how to break the ice. In part because knowing you’re going to be OK no matter what, makes putting yourself out there a lot easier to begin with.
“When it doesn’t work out, normalize rejection,” says Newton. “It doesn’t mean you’re not worthy, it just wasn’t a fit. It’s important to know that regulating emotional responses is key.”
Rejection stings, no doubt, but as Newton points out, it’s temporary, it passes. “Try to reframe it as a win: you took a chance, and that builds resilience.”
Ultimately, the key here is to be brave in the moment and gentle with yourself, it’s totally normal to be nervous to put yourself out there, but just remember, it also feels amazing when someone takes that risk and approaches you — so you also know what the other person is feeling — and that it’s great. Koch says to be courageous and go for it. “Being brave is feeling that fear and not letting that hold you back. Even if a woman is not interested and you find out she’s straight, that doesn’t mean you didn’t make her day or left a bad impression. Many women find being flirted with by another woman to be one of the highest forms of flattery.
If you're a little awkward at first, so what? “Being authentic is more attractive than being perfect. You don’t need a ‘line,’ you just need the courage to say, ‘Hello,’” says Newton. “Most people are longing for connection and someone has to go first. Why not you?"
Angelika Koch,MCLC, CRC, relationships and break-up expert, happiness & relationship expert atTaimi LGBTQ+ dating app
Sophie Roos, licensed sexologist and writer for the Swedish sex-positive magazinePassionerad
Chelsea Newton, LCSW, M.Ed., and the founder of Phases of the Mind Therapy
